Photo: Church Newsroom

As if to throw shade at the many Latter-day Saint couples that give a mere few months notice before their nuptials, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has revealed that there will be a mega party for President Russell M. Nelson on September 6, 2019 – nearly six months away! How’s that for notification? You could reserve two stake centers in that time. As one whose birthday is also in early September, I know well the excitement brought by hitting early March and wondering, “How will I be celebrated this year?” “What surprises await me?” “Will they finally reserve the Conference Center for a blowout gala on behalf of moi?” “When will I know?”

Billed as a “celebration” when we all know this will be a rager for the ages, the event will honor 95 years of a man known by many as a healer of physical hearts and emotional and spiritual hearts. President Nelson has already had quite the run during his tenure as Church president, having enacted numerous reforms that have changed the way we serve one another and worship together on Sundays, to name a few. There was also that part about sister missionaries being allowed to wear pants pretty much whenever they want.

President Dallin H. Oaks, First Counselor of the First Presidency of the Church, expressed his excitement for the event:

“These types of celebrations, which we have seen since the early years of the Church, give us inspiring insight into the lives of those chosen by God to serve as His prophets. I have personally attended many such events for past prophets, and each time I leave with a sense of wonder and gratitude for the way in which our Father in Heaven shapes, trains and teaches His prophets. It will be a privilege for all of us to participate and to celebrate President Nelson’s 95th birthday.”

The party will feature “acclaimed performers and distinguished guests” who will be responsible for entertaining the masses before President Nelson asks, “Are you not entertained?!” Reportedly, there will be no roast.

The last time the Church held a happy gathering for a prophet’s birthday was for President Thomas S. Monson’s 85th birthday in 2012, dubbed “Golden Days.” By the time he reached his 90th birthday, President Monson was not making as many public appearances and had a quiet celebration with family.

Additional details are murky at this point, and speakers, guests, and performers will be announced “in the coming weeks,” according to the Church Newsroom. Free tickets will be available at ChurchofJesusChrist.org (not THEChurchofJesusChrist.org) beginning July at 10:00 AM. Tickets are limited to two per individual. But instead of offering tickets online, wouldn’t it be more fun to only be able to acquire them at the window of a venue or popular musical store like the olden days? Remember that Saved by the Bell episode, “All in the Mall,” where the gang waits in line for U2 tickets only to have Screech, as always, mess up the whole affair, but then the gang finds money in a box by a bench and then worries that some sort of Gangsters Lite™ are after them, so they spend all night running around the mall to evade capture, and then they eventually find out that the whole thing was some sort of Totally Hidden Video situation and are given front-row U2 tickets, anyway, and Tori was there for some reason?

Anyway, it’d be more fun if everyone had to experience that to get these tickets, because those Salt Lake scalpers are FIERCE.